Alphonserella
by Deena15
Summary: Once upon a time, there was a man named Hoenheim. He tried to think, but his brain hurt so he took a nap..


**Alphonserella  
**_By Deena Greenwater_

Once upon a time, in a happy sparkly fairyland far far away, there was a man named Hoenheim who wanted a real son, but all he got was a midget named Edward before his lovely wife passed away. Edward was always angry, and tended to lash out violently when people mentioned his...vertical deficiency. Hoenheim was lonely, as Ed wasn't much help. Ed, after all, felt everything his father said was a crack about his little issue.

Hoenheim began to think. It hurt his brain, so he went to sleep. Then he woke up and thought some more. He decided to play around with alchemy to make another son, so he fiddled with this and twiddled with that, and soon found out that with a certain fern and a lightbulb, one could transmute a boy! He named the boy Envy, and he was a happy father...for a time. In fact, about 2 minutes. Hoenheim soon found out that Envy could change shape at will, and went away to sulk. He wanted a normal son. He went to his study to flip through more books.

Envy, for the next week, would always played tricks on Edward; despite Ed's height problem, he hated milk. Envy would fill a glass with milk, color the outside orange, and put a few drops of food coloring in the milk to make it look like orange juice. Then, he would shapeshift to look like Hoenheim, and serve Ed the "orange juice". Ed would subsequently blow something up.

Hoenheim, meanwhile, sighed dejectedly. All he wanted was a kind son who liked kittens and milk and was tall. Suddenly, he had an idea; why not use that armor in the corner?

Hoenheim fiddled and faddled and soon made...

a tuna fish sandwich!

After filling his tummy, Hoenheim transmuted the armor into...a suit of armor. Falling to the floor in his failure, he punched the ground in dismay.

"My, where am I?" said a voice. Hoenheim looked at the armor. It was talking! "Hello there. Are you my father?"

"Why yes, I am your father! And your name shall be...Alphonse!" Hoenheim smiled and scampered to the armor to hug his new son. Unfortunately, as he went to embrace him, he found the armor to be empty!

Hoenheim was distraught. He spent the rest of his life sulking in various corners of his home.

Meanwhile, Alphonse was taken in by Envy and Edward. Since Envy and Ed were always fighting, Al would have to do all the housework. Al was sad; all he wanted was to marry the princess of the land, get a pet kitten, and live happily ever after, and maybe get a growth potion for Al.

One day, Princess Winry Rockbell the third(because princesses, after all, are always something-or-other the third), pronounced a ball. All the men in the kingdom were invited. Envy and Edward argued over who would be the best looking of all. Alphonse tried to get them to settle down, but as their conflict became a bit more violent(and explosive), Al decided to sit this one out.

Envy and Ed fought and fought, all the way to the ball. Al was sad. He wanted to go to the ball, too, but Ed and Envy would be fighting there. Al petted a kitty on the sidewalk. Oh, how sad he was.

All of a sudden, a tiny, muscle-laden man with pink fairy wings fluttered over to Al. "Do you want to go to the ball?" He said, through his blond mustache. Al nodded sadly. "Then your wish is granted! You shall go! And your brothers will be restrained from fighting until midnight tonight!" He flexed his muscles, big for such a tiny man.

Alphonse was in awe. He was going to the ball! "Oh, thank you, little man! Who are you?"

"I am your fairy godmother, but you can call me Sir Armstrong" he sang, fluttering away. "Remember, by midnight you must leave"

"I will, Sir Armstrong!" Al put the kitty inside his empty armored self, and clanged his way to the ball.

Princess Winry was being forced to decide on a groom by her grandmother Pinako at the same time. Pinako pointed to Envy.

"Too scraggly," said the princess. Ed grinned.

Pinako pointed to Ed. "Too scraggly," said the princess. Ed twitched.

Pinako pointed to a tall, dashing young man with black hair. "He's taken, grandmother," said the princess. A beautiful, but somewhat frightening, blond haired lady dragged the handsome man away.

Suddenly, an armored man burst into the ballroom. "I'm here, princess!" Something meowed. "And I brought you a pet kitten!" Princess Winry blushed ecstatically; she loved kittens!

Pinako pointed to Al. "I choose him!"

But alas, it was midnight; Al dropped the kitty and ran, as the ballroom exploded with Edward and Envy's violent brawls once more.

Princess Winry missed the armor man already. He was so sweet to bring her a kitten! She called all her servants to search for this man, and to use the kitty to find him. "If the kitty likes him, then it's him!"

So, off they went with the kitty. First they went to Envy. The kitty bit him as he tried to pet it, so Envy turned into a dog and barked until the kitty was scared silly. The silly kitty then went to Edward and meowed. Edward bellowed, "Who're you calling so short that he can't even fit on the head of a matchstick!" and proceeded to attempt to blow the kitty up with a rocket launcher.

Finally, the kitty came to Alphonse. Alphonse was so happy to see the kitty again, he made the kitty a nice, warm bowl of milk, and petted it. The kitty was very happy! The servants were happy, too; now they can get away from that crazy short kid who tried to blow them up and that scary shape-shifting fern-haired boy.

So, Al and Winry got married, lived happily ever after, and adopted a lot of kitties.

**THE END!**

_(And Fullmetal Alchemist crack is good. Let them eat cake!)_


End file.
